Hello,
Its been an incredibly long time since I have wrote a blog post yet there are many many many reasons for that. But the big one and the main one I will be focusing on today is my mental health. Everyone has a state of mental health, sometimes people are in good states others in bad and recently mine has fallen in the category of the latter.
People have always told me there will be good and bad periods in recovery and I knew that, and I firmly believed that but I thought I had hit rock bottom before and that my mental health would never get 'that' bad again. Yet over the last few days I have come to realise that sometimes you hit rock bottom a few times, but that doesn't mean that you wont ever recover. It just takes time.
I fell into a very quick and very unexpected relapse in terms of my depression but my depression got so loud it dragged the hope and strength I had in terms of my anorexia recovery down with it and sadly I sit writing this just having come out of yet another hospital admission. I never thought I would enter hospital again but it happened but I am glad to say that I left hospital on monday heading for home around my supportive and amazing family.
I knew I would trip over in my recovery and there would be bad times and bad days but I truly thought that I had beaten the majority of it, in particular my anorexia. Yet I think that in life there will always be the harder times, there will always be the times my mental health isn't on top form and I have learnt in the past few days that that is okay. Recovery doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be real. It is okay to admit that you are not okay, it is okay to hit rock bottom, it is okay to just be surviving everyday.
I didn't want to believe that I was getting sicker, so much so that I pushed every negative thought out of my head far far away but I have learnt that this is unhealthy. You cannot just push away a mental illness, you cant force it away no matter how hard you try. I am ill, and I am accepting that on a daily basis and even if it is hard to admit, I need to prioritise my own personal recovery.
I am so sick and tired of my mental health interfering with my life and trying to get in the way of my dreams. But this time I want to recover, I don't want any piece of me to be affected by mental illness. Having a mental illness makes you seem that you are so clouded that you stay in your comfort zone in order to protect yourself, you listen to the demons in your head, you go with what they say out of fear that you will only deteriorate if you try recovery. For ages I have been stuck scared of both recovery and relapse, constantly staying in the middle ground. Never recovering but never relapsing either, but this time was different. Staying in the middle ground prevents you seeing what you are actually doing and that is relapsing, if you are not recovering you are simply relapsing and there is no other way to put it. There is no 'stable' in terms of mental illness, you are either giving it your 100% or you are slipping. I have now learnt that I need to give recovery my all, I don't want to stay in the middle ground. I don't want to live with mental illness. I want a healthy life, one that I will not be able to get with mental illness in my life.
So I write this shaking having a breakfast I have never had before, putting each foot forward and continuing fighting against anorexia and depression. I am strong enough to beat this, I am not weak for having a mental illness. I need to fight this this time and I will.
Fall down 7 times, stand up 8
Rosie
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