Hello,
I am typing this in the early hours of the morning having just wiped my tears because I looked in the mirror and I wasn't emaciated anymore. I feel like I am in the wrong body, I am tortured constantly, I fear food so intensely yet I wake up and I am medically healthy. I step on the scale and there is nothing differentiating me from a normal healthy girl yet my mind is so different.
I have been underweight before, I have had people whisper concerned comments about my figure and ask my friends whether I had anorexia but now that I walk down the street in a healthy body people expect me to be healthy, both physically and mentally. Yet the truth is, I am not healthy, my mind is a volcano that is constantly erupting. Everyday my urge to restrict is so immense that my whole body shakes at the thought of food. I feel guilty for thinking about food but it is all I think about. I imagine myself eating food all day, I watch others eat and I wonder how it tastes yet if I was presented the food I would struggle to manage it. I am still ill no matter what the scale says.
I often feel like a fake, that I am not anorexic and I never have been. People come up to me and say "I am so glad that you are better," but what do you reply to that when you are feeling worse than ever. "Thank you? but in reality I had a panic attack after breakfast?" No I feel embarrassed, embarrassed that my body and my mind don't correlate. I had just left treatment that forced me to gain weight yet nobody would know that, nobody would know that my mental health was at the lowest point it could be. Yet so many people would congratulate me, praise me for finally beat anorexia but I am still suffering.
I am writing this because I am an anorexic in a healthy body and that is okay, only 20% of people suffering with anorexia are at a unhealthy weight. Yes I was once visibly suffering but I am not anymore and that doesn't mean that the mental torment has gone away. One day it will, one day it will be okay if you say "Im so glad that you are better" and one day I will be recovered. But today I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep completing each meal and maintaining weight and that is okay if that is my priority right now. Because I am still ill, no matter if I am not underweight.
Rosie
Tuesday 21 November 2017
Friday 17 November 2017
Never let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey
Hello,
Its been an incredibly long time since I have wrote a blog post yet there are many many many reasons for that. But the big one and the main one I will be focusing on today is my mental health. Everyone has a state of mental health, sometimes people are in good states others in bad and recently mine has fallen in the category of the latter.
People have always told me there will be good and bad periods in recovery and I knew that, and I firmly believed that but I thought I had hit rock bottom before and that my mental health would never get 'that' bad again. Yet over the last few days I have come to realise that sometimes you hit rock bottom a few times, but that doesn't mean that you wont ever recover. It just takes time.
I fell into a very quick and very unexpected relapse in terms of my depression but my depression got so loud it dragged the hope and strength I had in terms of my anorexia recovery down with it and sadly I sit writing this just having come out of yet another hospital admission. I never thought I would enter hospital again but it happened but I am glad to say that I left hospital on monday heading for home around my supportive and amazing family.
I knew I would trip over in my recovery and there would be bad times and bad days but I truly thought that I had beaten the majority of it, in particular my anorexia. Yet I think that in life there will always be the harder times, there will always be the times my mental health isn't on top form and I have learnt in the past few days that that is okay. Recovery doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be real. It is okay to admit that you are not okay, it is okay to hit rock bottom, it is okay to just be surviving everyday.
I didn't want to believe that I was getting sicker, so much so that I pushed every negative thought out of my head far far away but I have learnt that this is unhealthy. You cannot just push away a mental illness, you cant force it away no matter how hard you try. I am ill, and I am accepting that on a daily basis and even if it is hard to admit, I need to prioritise my own personal recovery.
I am so sick and tired of my mental health interfering with my life and trying to get in the way of my dreams. But this time I want to recover, I don't want any piece of me to be affected by mental illness. Having a mental illness makes you seem that you are so clouded that you stay in your comfort zone in order to protect yourself, you listen to the demons in your head, you go with what they say out of fear that you will only deteriorate if you try recovery. For ages I have been stuck scared of both recovery and relapse, constantly staying in the middle ground. Never recovering but never relapsing either, but this time was different. Staying in the middle ground prevents you seeing what you are actually doing and that is relapsing, if you are not recovering you are simply relapsing and there is no other way to put it. There is no 'stable' in terms of mental illness, you are either giving it your 100% or you are slipping. I have now learnt that I need to give recovery my all, I don't want to stay in the middle ground. I don't want to live with mental illness. I want a healthy life, one that I will not be able to get with mental illness in my life.
So I write this shaking having a breakfast I have never had before, putting each foot forward and continuing fighting against anorexia and depression. I am strong enough to beat this, I am not weak for having a mental illness. I need to fight this this time and I will.
Fall down 7 times, stand up 8
Rosie
Its been an incredibly long time since I have wrote a blog post yet there are many many many reasons for that. But the big one and the main one I will be focusing on today is my mental health. Everyone has a state of mental health, sometimes people are in good states others in bad and recently mine has fallen in the category of the latter.
People have always told me there will be good and bad periods in recovery and I knew that, and I firmly believed that but I thought I had hit rock bottom before and that my mental health would never get 'that' bad again. Yet over the last few days I have come to realise that sometimes you hit rock bottom a few times, but that doesn't mean that you wont ever recover. It just takes time.
I fell into a very quick and very unexpected relapse in terms of my depression but my depression got so loud it dragged the hope and strength I had in terms of my anorexia recovery down with it and sadly I sit writing this just having come out of yet another hospital admission. I never thought I would enter hospital again but it happened but I am glad to say that I left hospital on monday heading for home around my supportive and amazing family.
I knew I would trip over in my recovery and there would be bad times and bad days but I truly thought that I had beaten the majority of it, in particular my anorexia. Yet I think that in life there will always be the harder times, there will always be the times my mental health isn't on top form and I have learnt in the past few days that that is okay. Recovery doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be real. It is okay to admit that you are not okay, it is okay to hit rock bottom, it is okay to just be surviving everyday.
I didn't want to believe that I was getting sicker, so much so that I pushed every negative thought out of my head far far away but I have learnt that this is unhealthy. You cannot just push away a mental illness, you cant force it away no matter how hard you try. I am ill, and I am accepting that on a daily basis and even if it is hard to admit, I need to prioritise my own personal recovery.
I am so sick and tired of my mental health interfering with my life and trying to get in the way of my dreams. But this time I want to recover, I don't want any piece of me to be affected by mental illness. Having a mental illness makes you seem that you are so clouded that you stay in your comfort zone in order to protect yourself, you listen to the demons in your head, you go with what they say out of fear that you will only deteriorate if you try recovery. For ages I have been stuck scared of both recovery and relapse, constantly staying in the middle ground. Never recovering but never relapsing either, but this time was different. Staying in the middle ground prevents you seeing what you are actually doing and that is relapsing, if you are not recovering you are simply relapsing and there is no other way to put it. There is no 'stable' in terms of mental illness, you are either giving it your 100% or you are slipping. I have now learnt that I need to give recovery my all, I don't want to stay in the middle ground. I don't want to live with mental illness. I want a healthy life, one that I will not be able to get with mental illness in my life.
So I write this shaking having a breakfast I have never had before, putting each foot forward and continuing fighting against anorexia and depression. I am strong enough to beat this, I am not weak for having a mental illness. I need to fight this this time and I will.
Fall down 7 times, stand up 8
Rosie
Thursday 5 October 2017
Updates in my life: I HAVE DECIDED ON A UNIVERSITY COURSE
Hello,
I never thought this day would come - the day I stayed put on what I wanted to do with myself in the future. But I guess on Sunday the 1st of October I have come to the conclusion I will be studying the Msc (hons) Applied Psychology (clinical) course at the university of Exeter. That is one big mouthful of a sentence to say but one that I am grateful I am able to finally share. I received the news that my adjustment place was confirmed on Friday after being unsure that I wanted to just study straight psychology and therefore asking to change course to the masters clinical psychology course. And after a Skype interview and a long wait I got an email entitled "Your offer" and I screamed and cried at work whilst everyone was staring at me whilst I happily sobbed whilst handing a girl her oreo milkshake. I had been debating whether Exeter was right for me for a long time, always thinking maybe another university would be better for me however I truly believing in fate and receiving that email entitled "Your Offer" was the most amazing feeling in the world. I think I am just simply feeling nervous about university and which to go for however because of what I want to do and the end goal being "Dr Rosie Nevison" I will have many years in university to figure that out.
I have now officially watched all my friends go leave to start blooming at university and the reality of my gap year has started to hit. Nobody told me about the months where you are desperately saving every penny and agreeing to every overtime shift possible. In 16 days I have had one day off and I am utterly exhausted, but I have just had pay day and booked my flight to both hanoi and bali so I am trying to convince myself I feel a little more motivated to work harder than before. I have now made 3 grand out of my 10 grand target however the majority of that has already gone to pre payed deposits and flights so lets just say I am incredibly glad I do not pay rent right now. But there is 177 days until April 1st, the day I set off and start in Cambodia and even thought 177 days seems so long it feels so short when thinking that there is just so much that I have to do. But nonetheless I shall continue working 24/7 and trying to save as much money as possible.
I am doing multiple events within the coming weeks for Beat, the eating disorder charity I represent. Next week I am doing a speech at the priory hospital Roehampton which I am incredibly excited about. I am so passionate about sharing and starting the conversation about the fact that recovery is actually possible and that I am living proof that recovery is possible. The next event is a speech at the university of kent to I don't even know how many people, but I am still going to do it no matter how nervous I am, but it is for an amazing cause entitled the "Molly Mclaren Foundation" which aims to raise 23,000 pounds for beat in memory of a young girl called Molly. But I feel so privileged to be able to support such an amazing charity at the forefront of eating disorder recovery.
I think that is all from me currently, I now need to go make this day off useful and go make banana bread and book some more flights and trains for my gap year.
Rosie
I never thought this day would come - the day I stayed put on what I wanted to do with myself in the future. But I guess on Sunday the 1st of October I have come to the conclusion I will be studying the Msc (hons) Applied Psychology (clinical) course at the university of Exeter. That is one big mouthful of a sentence to say but one that I am grateful I am able to finally share. I received the news that my adjustment place was confirmed on Friday after being unsure that I wanted to just study straight psychology and therefore asking to change course to the masters clinical psychology course. And after a Skype interview and a long wait I got an email entitled "Your offer" and I screamed and cried at work whilst everyone was staring at me whilst I happily sobbed whilst handing a girl her oreo milkshake. I had been debating whether Exeter was right for me for a long time, always thinking maybe another university would be better for me however I truly believing in fate and receiving that email entitled "Your Offer" was the most amazing feeling in the world. I think I am just simply feeling nervous about university and which to go for however because of what I want to do and the end goal being "Dr Rosie Nevison" I will have many years in university to figure that out.
I have now officially watched all my friends go leave to start blooming at university and the reality of my gap year has started to hit. Nobody told me about the months where you are desperately saving every penny and agreeing to every overtime shift possible. In 16 days I have had one day off and I am utterly exhausted, but I have just had pay day and booked my flight to both hanoi and bali so I am trying to convince myself I feel a little more motivated to work harder than before. I have now made 3 grand out of my 10 grand target however the majority of that has already gone to pre payed deposits and flights so lets just say I am incredibly glad I do not pay rent right now. But there is 177 days until April 1st, the day I set off and start in Cambodia and even thought 177 days seems so long it feels so short when thinking that there is just so much that I have to do. But nonetheless I shall continue working 24/7 and trying to save as much money as possible.
I am doing multiple events within the coming weeks for Beat, the eating disorder charity I represent. Next week I am doing a speech at the priory hospital Roehampton which I am incredibly excited about. I am so passionate about sharing and starting the conversation about the fact that recovery is actually possible and that I am living proof that recovery is possible. The next event is a speech at the university of kent to I don't even know how many people, but I am still going to do it no matter how nervous I am, but it is for an amazing cause entitled the "Molly Mclaren Foundation" which aims to raise 23,000 pounds for beat in memory of a young girl called Molly. But I feel so privileged to be able to support such an amazing charity at the forefront of eating disorder recovery.
I think that is all from me currently, I now need to go make this day off useful and go make banana bread and book some more flights and trains for my gap year.
Rosie
Sunday 24 September 2017
Interailing, 31 Days - the ins and outs - Milan/Rome/Athens
Hello all,
So I get so many questions surrounding the topics of interailing! If you didn't know I went interailing for 31 days round 13 countries in Europe! Yes you heard that right 13 countries in 31 days! I have had so many questions about it so I thought I would tell you a little about my trip and how much it cost and where I went.
So months and months before we left on May 22nd my 6 friends and I went round each others houses and planned a route (that was constantly changed), spoke on the phone trying to grasp the language to hostels and train companies and book our flight after we eventually figured we would take the risk and go all the way to Greece. But we probably had a good six or seven team meetings before packing our bags (we even created a packing list or two) and heading off. I was earning all the money for the trip myself and only through a part time job as I was in full time education, so at times it looked risky to whether I would actually be able to make it and there was a time that I thought it would only be possible to do half the trip but eventually I took the risk and I managed to get all round Europe for 15 pounds a day.
Our budget - Each of us brought between 1000 - 1500 although some of us were on about 5 pounds in our bank account by the end of the trip and had to resort either to savings or tell our parents that we would pay them back. The 1.5 grand would cover every thing, our train ticket which was about 360 pounds (we got it on discount) for a continuous pass which meant that we could get on pretty much any train we wanted to. However with this there is a catch and in Europe you have to pay for seats on the trains even though you have a ticket, so on the fast trains these seats would cost around 90 euros which means that you would just get the slow trains and sit on a seat if you were lucky as it was about a fifth of the price. (i.e between Arhus in Denmark and Amsterdam). However, overall I think the max we paid for one of our trains was 18 euros for a seat. We budgeted overall for around 15 pounds on accommodation a night and we used air bnb or the company hostel world to book our night stays. However the prices varied, such as in Rome it was 22 pounds a night and then in Serbia it was about 3 pounds. But overall I think 15 pounds was a bit over what we needed as we spent a lot of the time in eastern European and it was rather cheap over there however if we were going to places like Spain and Paris we would have needed probably 25 pounds a night for accommodation as our budget. For food the price was around 5 pounds a meal however obviously some days it would be more as if you are going out for every meal of course it would be more however if you are cooking yourself (what we often did) it could be around 2 pounds per meal if you split the shopping between you.
Our route - We spent a lot of time sorting out our route and discussing which would be the best train to catch (as some needed to be reserved) and sorting out whether we could get certain members of the group up at 6am to catch the train to Rome (which we almost missed because of a hash brown at mcdonalds). Contrary to others we decided that we were going to train everywhere we possibly could do, so on the first day we got a 5.40 am train from Ebbsfleet to Milan which would arrive in the evening with a smell of curry stenching out the train. But this train took a long time and it was via France and Switzerland and my french skills defiantly did not help me when the first thing I said to my friends were "I got this" and then followed with "Donde esta." We got to Milan and stayed in the Koala hostel for 2 nights, on the first night we were so incredibly tired and we just went and got a pizza near the hostel and then went to sleep in our first hostel experience where we had 7/8 of the dorm beds and shared with one other. The next day we went exploring and went to the cathedral and tasted Milan's different icrecreams several times and we were told we had to try Italian coffee at least once. We walked down Milans shopping road and of course had to stop in the disney store! Then Rachel started getting ripped off by a guy placing bracelets on people saying they were free and then started demanding money so I quickly grabbed Rachel and pulled her away and we found out we should never stop and accept anything from a vendor for the rest of our trip. Although otherwise we had a lovely time in Milan although Milan being the fashion capital and us in our interailing kit probably didn't in too well with the big backpacks walking past Gucci.
Rome - We got a 7.15 train from Milan to Rome which stopped in Fidenza and Pisa. We realised in Fidenza we hadn't eaten any vegetables for the last 3 days so Riana and her Italian skills managed to help us at a vegetable market the night before and we got peppers and other bits and bobs saved the day. So at Fidenza train station we were all eating peppers like apples trying to boost our vitamin content as we had just eaten pizza and pasta the last few days. We got to Rome and Riana was head sat navver so we walked along the side of the road with our big bags (often getting beeped at to move out of the way but out sat nav wanted us to go this way. Then after a very short distance we found our air bnb, we couldnt find our host anywhere though so after a lot of calling on the phone amongst colourful buildings and olive trees our host came. We got in then quickly callie and nads and I went all the way back to the train station where the super market was because we saw cheap vodka in there and decided that was where we needed to buy the "essentials". We also bought the ingredients for a vegan dinner as we felt very broke after Milan as staying in a hostel meant that we needed to buy food out all the time so we bought ingredients to make jacket potato with baked beans only to realise when we got back that we didnt have an oven so it was mash with "homemade baked beans" aka tomato passata and butter beans with some mushrooms for abby. Rachel decided to tell us she didnt like tomatoes even though our dish was basically tomato and potato so she had her first cup of soup of the trip. First of many.
The first night in Rome we were really excited to go see the sights as we were so close to the centre so we quickly got ready and went to the colosseum. We were warned that there was high security all around Rome as Donald Trump was in Rome the exact time as us and the high security alert wasn't taken lightly as everywhere there were people in the army or police force holding massive guns making you feel guilty even though we had done nothing wrong. The next morning we went also back to the colosseum and basically ended up doing a walking tour of the whole of Rome, I think I remembered we walked around 20 kilometres up to churches and the Trevi fountain. On our way we were scouting places to go on our first proper night out as a group, one where we can find cheap cocktails and a lot of entertainment. We stumbled across a gay bar and decided that was the place we were going to head in the evening. We once again cooked potatoes and tomatoes and then went and got ready and discovered in the bathroom there was a window you open from the outside balcony which provided a lot laughs over the time in Rome. Then we headed out, we pre drank quite a bit and got to this gay bar where the cocktails were 5 euros each which we thought was a massive bargain compared with London prices so we decided to get a mix of everything and share them round between us. As it was our first night out we didnt really know the proportions and the more vulnerable of the group got quite badly affected and we ended up heading home at 9.30pm whilst we were still basically pre drinking. It was a very classy evening. The next morning we packed up our bags and sat in a park playing cards and having a water fight (Nads I think I won) and then got ready for our long day travelling to Greece.
Greece - Our plane to Greece got in at half midnight to Athens airport and our first thought of Athens was how strange the airport was as they had no border security or passport checks once we landed we simply just picked up our bags and headed to the bus stop where we missed our bus by 1 minute (typical). Lucky our "natural" Greek speaker Abby got us our tickets for the next one which was only half an hour later. We got into the long bus route to our hostel which was split into several buses and then a long up hill walk to the building with the Green or Grey door which we couldn't quite remember and at 3am this proved rather difficult. However we got there, we got to our room and found we would all be sharing one room and a man slept on the sofa just outside the room which was quite off putting especially with the "morning exercises" outside our door. We often forgot he was sleeping there as in the middle of the night in our t-shirts and pants heading to the loos was often an interesting rush back into our room and put more clothes on moment. We had debated going to Greece for a long time as our groups as it was so far away however we made it and were ready to enjoy the wonderful Greek sunny temperatures. However when we got there we were met with rain rain and more rain but we weren't going to let this bring a "dampening" on our trip and we put on our rain coat which included a flowery poncho and a not waterproof pac a mac and we headed out to see the ruins. We walked around 17 kilometres in the pouring rain until giving up and deciding to order dominos/chips for lunch/dinner and then after we received how much it cost we decided we shall never order dominos again. 30 Euros for some of the meals!! so i was very chuffed with my 2.50 chips (perks of veganism in greece.)
Half the group got poorly in Greece, however the other half (nads, callie, riana and i) decided that most nights we should go explore and compare the prices of cocktails in numerous bars whilst the others had nice relaxing "cheaper" nights in. We made quite a few "friends" in our hostel including a around 35/40 year old guy who dedicated us spice girls songs and called me posh spice and callie ginger spice when I am defo the ginger one. The weather cleared up and we decided to go on a beach day which Abby planned the bus route for us (also with her "Greek language knowledge"). It was our first proper beach day on our trip and we had the most amazing time and decided to watch the sunset together and it was the most lovely day and then we all got the late bus back (there was trouble finding the bus stop) and we then went out for a few vodka diet cokes. However, despite the lovely day there was a sea urchin incident which meant the first injury on the trip!!!! (award went to nads) and the beach day will always be remembered by nads (Because she still has the sea urchin in her foot.)
So I get so many questions surrounding the topics of interailing! If you didn't know I went interailing for 31 days round 13 countries in Europe! Yes you heard that right 13 countries in 31 days! I have had so many questions about it so I thought I would tell you a little about my trip and how much it cost and where I went.
So months and months before we left on May 22nd my 6 friends and I went round each others houses and planned a route (that was constantly changed), spoke on the phone trying to grasp the language to hostels and train companies and book our flight after we eventually figured we would take the risk and go all the way to Greece. But we probably had a good six or seven team meetings before packing our bags (we even created a packing list or two) and heading off. I was earning all the money for the trip myself and only through a part time job as I was in full time education, so at times it looked risky to whether I would actually be able to make it and there was a time that I thought it would only be possible to do half the trip but eventually I took the risk and I managed to get all round Europe for 15 pounds a day.
Our budget - Each of us brought between 1000 - 1500 although some of us were on about 5 pounds in our bank account by the end of the trip and had to resort either to savings or tell our parents that we would pay them back. The 1.5 grand would cover every thing, our train ticket which was about 360 pounds (we got it on discount) for a continuous pass which meant that we could get on pretty much any train we wanted to. However with this there is a catch and in Europe you have to pay for seats on the trains even though you have a ticket, so on the fast trains these seats would cost around 90 euros which means that you would just get the slow trains and sit on a seat if you were lucky as it was about a fifth of the price. (i.e between Arhus in Denmark and Amsterdam). However, overall I think the max we paid for one of our trains was 18 euros for a seat. We budgeted overall for around 15 pounds on accommodation a night and we used air bnb or the company hostel world to book our night stays. However the prices varied, such as in Rome it was 22 pounds a night and then in Serbia it was about 3 pounds. But overall I think 15 pounds was a bit over what we needed as we spent a lot of the time in eastern European and it was rather cheap over there however if we were going to places like Spain and Paris we would have needed probably 25 pounds a night for accommodation as our budget. For food the price was around 5 pounds a meal however obviously some days it would be more as if you are going out for every meal of course it would be more however if you are cooking yourself (what we often did) it could be around 2 pounds per meal if you split the shopping between you.
Our route - We spent a lot of time sorting out our route and discussing which would be the best train to catch (as some needed to be reserved) and sorting out whether we could get certain members of the group up at 6am to catch the train to Rome (which we almost missed because of a hash brown at mcdonalds). Contrary to others we decided that we were going to train everywhere we possibly could do, so on the first day we got a 5.40 am train from Ebbsfleet to Milan which would arrive in the evening with a smell of curry stenching out the train. But this train took a long time and it was via France and Switzerland and my french skills defiantly did not help me when the first thing I said to my friends were "I got this" and then followed with "Donde esta." We got to Milan and stayed in the Koala hostel for 2 nights, on the first night we were so incredibly tired and we just went and got a pizza near the hostel and then went to sleep in our first hostel experience where we had 7/8 of the dorm beds and shared with one other. The next day we went exploring and went to the cathedral and tasted Milan's different icrecreams several times and we were told we had to try Italian coffee at least once. We walked down Milans shopping road and of course had to stop in the disney store! Then Rachel started getting ripped off by a guy placing bracelets on people saying they were free and then started demanding money so I quickly grabbed Rachel and pulled her away and we found out we should never stop and accept anything from a vendor for the rest of our trip. Although otherwise we had a lovely time in Milan although Milan being the fashion capital and us in our interailing kit probably didn't in too well with the big backpacks walking past Gucci.
Rome - We got a 7.15 train from Milan to Rome which stopped in Fidenza and Pisa. We realised in Fidenza we hadn't eaten any vegetables for the last 3 days so Riana and her Italian skills managed to help us at a vegetable market the night before and we got peppers and other bits and bobs saved the day. So at Fidenza train station we were all eating peppers like apples trying to boost our vitamin content as we had just eaten pizza and pasta the last few days. We got to Rome and Riana was head sat navver so we walked along the side of the road with our big bags (often getting beeped at to move out of the way but out sat nav wanted us to go this way. Then after a very short distance we found our air bnb, we couldnt find our host anywhere though so after a lot of calling on the phone amongst colourful buildings and olive trees our host came. We got in then quickly callie and nads and I went all the way back to the train station where the super market was because we saw cheap vodka in there and decided that was where we needed to buy the "essentials". We also bought the ingredients for a vegan dinner as we felt very broke after Milan as staying in a hostel meant that we needed to buy food out all the time so we bought ingredients to make jacket potato with baked beans only to realise when we got back that we didnt have an oven so it was mash with "homemade baked beans" aka tomato passata and butter beans with some mushrooms for abby. Rachel decided to tell us she didnt like tomatoes even though our dish was basically tomato and potato so she had her first cup of soup of the trip. First of many.
The first night in Rome we were really excited to go see the sights as we were so close to the centre so we quickly got ready and went to the colosseum. We were warned that there was high security all around Rome as Donald Trump was in Rome the exact time as us and the high security alert wasn't taken lightly as everywhere there were people in the army or police force holding massive guns making you feel guilty even though we had done nothing wrong. The next morning we went also back to the colosseum and basically ended up doing a walking tour of the whole of Rome, I think I remembered we walked around 20 kilometres up to churches and the Trevi fountain. On our way we were scouting places to go on our first proper night out as a group, one where we can find cheap cocktails and a lot of entertainment. We stumbled across a gay bar and decided that was the place we were going to head in the evening. We once again cooked potatoes and tomatoes and then went and got ready and discovered in the bathroom there was a window you open from the outside balcony which provided a lot laughs over the time in Rome. Then we headed out, we pre drank quite a bit and got to this gay bar where the cocktails were 5 euros each which we thought was a massive bargain compared with London prices so we decided to get a mix of everything and share them round between us. As it was our first night out we didnt really know the proportions and the more vulnerable of the group got quite badly affected and we ended up heading home at 9.30pm whilst we were still basically pre drinking. It was a very classy evening. The next morning we packed up our bags and sat in a park playing cards and having a water fight (Nads I think I won) and then got ready for our long day travelling to Greece.
Greece - Our plane to Greece got in at half midnight to Athens airport and our first thought of Athens was how strange the airport was as they had no border security or passport checks once we landed we simply just picked up our bags and headed to the bus stop where we missed our bus by 1 minute (typical). Lucky our "natural" Greek speaker Abby got us our tickets for the next one which was only half an hour later. We got into the long bus route to our hostel which was split into several buses and then a long up hill walk to the building with the Green or Grey door which we couldn't quite remember and at 3am this proved rather difficult. However we got there, we got to our room and found we would all be sharing one room and a man slept on the sofa just outside the room which was quite off putting especially with the "morning exercises" outside our door. We often forgot he was sleeping there as in the middle of the night in our t-shirts and pants heading to the loos was often an interesting rush back into our room and put more clothes on moment. We had debated going to Greece for a long time as our groups as it was so far away however we made it and were ready to enjoy the wonderful Greek sunny temperatures. However when we got there we were met with rain rain and more rain but we weren't going to let this bring a "dampening" on our trip and we put on our rain coat which included a flowery poncho and a not waterproof pac a mac and we headed out to see the ruins. We walked around 17 kilometres in the pouring rain until giving up and deciding to order dominos/chips for lunch/dinner and then after we received how much it cost we decided we shall never order dominos again. 30 Euros for some of the meals!! so i was very chuffed with my 2.50 chips (perks of veganism in greece.)
I hope you enjoyed this blog post I shall write more about my adventures on the rest of the 3 weeks soon!!!
Wednesday 13 September 2017
Its September I Should Be In School, Shouldn't I?
Hello all!!
I have figured out I am just as bad as sticking to blog post deadlines as I was with school deadlines so I apologise for how late this blog post is however there are many reasons for this. In the last 2 weeks I have only had 2 days off, it has been my 18th birthday with many celebrations, I have also attended the "animal rights march" and be swamped with applying for visas and paying deposits (planning a gap year is harder then it looks!).
Yet it is now mid September and I feel extremely out of place that I am waking up at seven for work rather then to attend school, it is something I will defiantly have to start getting used to. Especially as I see my younger sister get into her uniform and it makes me sad that I am no longer at TGS. (never did I think I would miss going to school! But now I do feel sad that I am no longer attending my favourite psychology and biology lessons although English I am glad to go without. But I am officially giving myself the title of "Workaholic" since this week I have just under 60 hours of work but I am just under half way through now and TOMORROW IS MY DAY OFF!! But I guess this is what happens when you try balance several jobs, which is something I don't recommend unless you have a big motivation. Mine as you can probably guess is my gap year (and my pay check), as I said gap year planning is harder than expected. I never thought my day off will now consist of heading to the vietnamese embassy in the morning rather than a lie in as they close at 12. But even though that is a hassle now I know when I am working in a paediatric ward in Vietnam it will be very much worth the early start applying for a visa. But I am hoping working overtime this week will really help me get the funds I need for my gap year as I have just realised how much eight and a half grand actually is.
But aside from the working I have had many days celebrating my 18th birthday, which had been due for a very long time as I had watched the entire year turn 18 before I did. But I had the most lovely day by the beach and ended up getting a very inappropriately placed sparkly fake tattoo (which has just about faded now) under the influence of an expensive gin and tonic. But it was my 18th those things are bound to happen. Since turning 18 I have recently discovered that after a few pitchers those 2 for 5 pound desserts in spoons look even more tempting than they did sober (especially finding out there is a vegan dessert). But lets just say weekends now as an 18 year old aren't fun to work especially when you have 7am starts. But oh well, I keep telling myself those 3am moments and the memories you try remember in the morning are worth it,
Just over a week ago I attended the animal rights march in London with my friend Tash. I had always wanted to go but I had always been busy but this year I finally went. I remember when i first became vegan I told myself I would never become one of those preachy vegan but hey who can stop me now. I had the most amazing day and I felt truly empowered by being surrounded by 5000 vegans!! (I didnt know 5000 vegans existed especially in and around London). But I found out there is a kent vegan society which as soon as I have sorted a work life balance I will be becoming a member of. But it was an incredible moment for me as I felt so passionate about veganism and there were so many people supporting my passion that we want and animals deserve "liberation" and the fact that there is "no excuse for animal abuse." However at the end of the day when they were doing speeches and spoken word poetry I became very said when I realised next years march will be when I am in Thailand but the march will have all my support from Thailand and I hope the year after I will be able to attend.
The majority of my friends are packing their bags and leaving for university this week which I am very saddened about and I am trying to figure out whether it was the right decision to take a gap year. As even though it is now under 200 days until I leave, 200 days of at least 9 hour shifts is very draining and maybe I should have gone to university straight away. But I am trying to convince myself I have made the right decision and I defiantly will not regret going to Asia when time comes, just seems very daunting and far away right now but also so close at the same time. But even though I have my place at exeter I have applied to the clinical psychology course and last week I had an interview for the Msc clinical psychology course. But I haven't received the result from that interview yet, however I will just take it as good experience if I don't get in. I have also had another epiphany about my future life and thought that maybe teaching is the right way for me? Or maybe being a humanitarian aid worker? But I have no idea but maybe one day when you are reading one of these blogs I will have a definite plan!! Who knows miracles happen!!
I hope you have enjoyed this update into my life, who knows when the next one will be, perhaps on sunday like it should be or perhaps another time but I'll see you then.
Rosie
I have figured out I am just as bad as sticking to blog post deadlines as I was with school deadlines so I apologise for how late this blog post is however there are many reasons for this. In the last 2 weeks I have only had 2 days off, it has been my 18th birthday with many celebrations, I have also attended the "animal rights march" and be swamped with applying for visas and paying deposits (planning a gap year is harder then it looks!).
Yet it is now mid September and I feel extremely out of place that I am waking up at seven for work rather then to attend school, it is something I will defiantly have to start getting used to. Especially as I see my younger sister get into her uniform and it makes me sad that I am no longer at TGS. (never did I think I would miss going to school! But now I do feel sad that I am no longer attending my favourite psychology and biology lessons although English I am glad to go without. But I am officially giving myself the title of "Workaholic" since this week I have just under 60 hours of work but I am just under half way through now and TOMORROW IS MY DAY OFF!! But I guess this is what happens when you try balance several jobs, which is something I don't recommend unless you have a big motivation. Mine as you can probably guess is my gap year (and my pay check), as I said gap year planning is harder than expected. I never thought my day off will now consist of heading to the vietnamese embassy in the morning rather than a lie in as they close at 12. But even though that is a hassle now I know when I am working in a paediatric ward in Vietnam it will be very much worth the early start applying for a visa. But I am hoping working overtime this week will really help me get the funds I need for my gap year as I have just realised how much eight and a half grand actually is.
But aside from the working I have had many days celebrating my 18th birthday, which had been due for a very long time as I had watched the entire year turn 18 before I did. But I had the most lovely day by the beach and ended up getting a very inappropriately placed sparkly fake tattoo (which has just about faded now) under the influence of an expensive gin and tonic. But it was my 18th those things are bound to happen. Since turning 18 I have recently discovered that after a few pitchers those 2 for 5 pound desserts in spoons look even more tempting than they did sober (especially finding out there is a vegan dessert). But lets just say weekends now as an 18 year old aren't fun to work especially when you have 7am starts. But oh well, I keep telling myself those 3am moments and the memories you try remember in the morning are worth it,
Just over a week ago I attended the animal rights march in London with my friend Tash. I had always wanted to go but I had always been busy but this year I finally went. I remember when i first became vegan I told myself I would never become one of those preachy vegan but hey who can stop me now. I had the most amazing day and I felt truly empowered by being surrounded by 5000 vegans!! (I didnt know 5000 vegans existed especially in and around London). But I found out there is a kent vegan society which as soon as I have sorted a work life balance I will be becoming a member of. But it was an incredible moment for me as I felt so passionate about veganism and there were so many people supporting my passion that we want and animals deserve "liberation" and the fact that there is "no excuse for animal abuse." However at the end of the day when they were doing speeches and spoken word poetry I became very said when I realised next years march will be when I am in Thailand but the march will have all my support from Thailand and I hope the year after I will be able to attend.
The majority of my friends are packing their bags and leaving for university this week which I am very saddened about and I am trying to figure out whether it was the right decision to take a gap year. As even though it is now under 200 days until I leave, 200 days of at least 9 hour shifts is very draining and maybe I should have gone to university straight away. But I am trying to convince myself I have made the right decision and I defiantly will not regret going to Asia when time comes, just seems very daunting and far away right now but also so close at the same time. But even though I have my place at exeter I have applied to the clinical psychology course and last week I had an interview for the Msc clinical psychology course. But I haven't received the result from that interview yet, however I will just take it as good experience if I don't get in. I have also had another epiphany about my future life and thought that maybe teaching is the right way for me? Or maybe being a humanitarian aid worker? But I have no idea but maybe one day when you are reading one of these blogs I will have a definite plan!! Who knows miracles happen!!
I hope you have enjoyed this update into my life, who knows when the next one will be, perhaps on sunday like it should be or perhaps another time but I'll see you then.
Rosie
Sunday 27 August 2017
so what is actually going on?
I will always say I am new to anything I try (just like how I kept the trainee badge on at work longer then I was supposed to) but admittedly I have done a fair amount of blogging in the past. I have blogged about a wide range of topics which have incorporated: my mental health, veganism and travelling. Yet I took time out to focus on studying I have blogged about all these topics before however I blogged sporadically. Sometimes there would be a new blog post everyday then there was a time you wouldn't hear from me for months however I have now got a schedule going and I will be here (hopefully) every Sunday. *touches wood*
This week I have been trying to figure out the purpose of this blog. There is a lot that is happening in my life currently: on Tuesday I am emerging into adulthood (the baby of the year is finally 18), then I am working (I am now a fully trained barista) and I am having to focus a lot on my mental health. Everything that is happening in my life makes me who I am and that is what I want to share, my open honest opinions, the big/funny/emotional life events and my passions. That is why I have decided to make two main prominent sequels of this blog.
The first one will be entitled "Recovery Rambles." This segment of my blog is where I will give you an option honest account of my recovery and talk about some of the things I have been through. I have found documenting my recovery helpful not just for me but I have received hundreds if not thousands of positive feedback messages from people all round the globe and therefore I am incredibly excited to talk to you more about my recovery.
The second segment of my blog will be entitled "A day in the life of Rosie." Where I will share stories about my life and what I am currently doing (as everyone knows my life changes dramatically in seconds). My aim of this segment is to not loose touch with many of my friends who I am either moving away from or who are dispersing themselves round the country going to university to study their passions and blossom into the people they aspire to become.
I hope you enjoy the rollercoaster ride this blog will be and I'll see you (hopefully) next Sunday if not before
Rosie
Sunday 20 August 2017
Hello Again
Hello,
I find myself on one of my few days off and with time to write on my blog for once!! So I thought I would do an update on what is happening in my life, with this blog and what the future holds for me. I thought as this blog receives so many views I wanted to do something constructive with it, to update people on what is happening in my life, to talk about my recovery and be open about it as I don't believe it is anything to be ashamed about but also more as a way to be able to look back on how my life is planning out at what is meant to be "a very important time in my life."
So where should I begin, I am currently busy working three jobs so this day off is really really appreciated today, I am holiday in Spain so I am really taking the time to relax before I start working 50 hours a week again in just a few days time. I have newly started work in a small independent coffee shop, which is interesting since I am not a coffee person yet I sense that the barista life will change me as I find myself sipping on an oat milk cappuccino last Monday. Being a barista is harder than it looks!! And what I didn't know is that all those fancy designs aka latte art are not done by a stencil but by hand and after many hours practising I can still only half do a heart let alone a leaf or a feather, but time will tell. Then I also work in the local pub which I have been doing for one and a half years and become fond of working there and have a laugh with my colleagues on my shifts and then I also do regular babysitting several times a week. So my life is very stressful going from one job to another to running to the next one but there is all reason for this. I am taking a gap year.
I very luckily found myself with IB grades above what was expected for me (especially considering how much school I missed) and found myself getting way above what I needed to get into university. So in September 2018 I am heading to the University of Exeter to study Psychology as my first degree of most likely many. I have chosen to take a gap year for numerous reasons, I knew I would regret it if I didn't take one, I felt now is the chance to take time off and actually focus on what I want to do and my health. I am taking the time out to fully focus on getting myself better from anorexia as I have come so far but there are still some steps to make in my recovery and I feel like one year focusing on getting my health top notch before going to university will be really beneficial for me. In addition, some of you may know that I am travelling for 6 months around Asia for my gap year.
I am mainly volunteering over in Asia and I am leaving on April 1st with currently only a one way ticket (much to my parents worry.) So far my plan for my gap year is heading out to Cambodia for a month helping people who have been through domestic abuse and extreme poverty rebuild their lives by teaching them English which will provide new opportunities for them and teaching them valuable skills that they can use in the future. I think my first month in Cambodia will be a massive shock for me as I living in a small town called Takeo in the middle of a Paddy field with no internet and no phone signal so I will be truly living out of my comfort zone, I have been informed that the nearest internet cafe is a twenty minute drive away so it will be very different. However I am determined to fully embrace myself in the Cambodian culture and try understand what it is like for the locals to fully try be able to understand what other cultures are like and I think I will learn to appreciate just how lucky I am.
After the month spent in Cambodia I will be heading to Da Nang in Vietnam for just a little rest and relax. I am staying in the Mad Monkey hostel so I will hopefully meet some new people and travel round the coast of Da Nang and see what that area has to offer. After a short stop in Vietnam I will be heading to Sri Lanka for the first time helping on a mental health placement over there for 2 weeks. I will be learning about how mental health is treated in Sri Lanka and attending psychology groups as a psychologists assistant. I am really interested in how mental illness is seen over in Sri Lanka whether there are different attitudes towards it compared to how it is viewed in the UK and I hope this two week placement will teach me a lot prior to my degree in psychology.
Subsequently I will be heading to Bali in Indonesia to teach English to local children as part of an after school workshop where I will teach 4 or 5 hour long lessons to the locals who apparently walk up to 7 kilometres each way just for an hour lesson. I am incredibly passionate about receiving an education but I cant imagine walking 14 kilometres just for an hour in burning heat. However these children of all ages are determined to do so and I am really excited to be helping them improve their english which will hopefully mean they will be able to get jobs in the future. I will be staying in Bali for just under a month before I leave to island hop the Thai islands for just over a week. I have been to Koh Samui one of the most known Thai islands before but I am really exited to explore all the small ones just for a night or too.
After the Thai islands I will be heading to the Maldives, not on a honeymoon but actually on a coral reef management project for month. I will be going round many islands but my base will be in Gaafu Dhaalu somewhere I have never even heard of before however that makes me even more excited. Many of my friends and family looked at me really strangely when I told them I was helping on a coral reef projects as I actually have a massive fear of seaweed and aquatic animals let alone there being a warning on the project that there will be reef sharks, eels and manta rays as we are helping in a habitat that they live in. So I am extremely nervous but I am a person who goes all or nothing and i will hopefully have by the end of the month gotten over my fear of basically the sea but i will answer whether I have in just under a year. Also in the Maldives I will be planting trees, doing beach clean ups, teaching english and cooking (I hope they like vegan food)!!!
After the month in the Maldives I have my final (planned stop in Thailand) where I will be touring Thailand top to bottom and the islands which includes a week up North teaching English and then heading to (The VEGAN CENTRE aka) Chang Mai and then staying on floating houses in the middle of a lake where I will have to canoe to and from the place I am staying to anywhere I want to go. I am really exited to do this however I am scared of aquatic animals and seaweed but I am hoping my month prior in the Maldives will mean I will be getting in the canoe with no fear of it capsizing and having to swim with fish amongst seaweed let alone a crocodile!!!! My final planned stop will be going round the Thai islands for a second time island hopping between the two before going to the famous full moon party. That will lead me until the 18th of August the last day I have officially planned, if I am broke and tired I will come home however if I have enough money I might travel spontaneously just round Asia or anyway before starting uni late September.
I am truly excited to go round Asia and I think it will be hard and challenging but I think it will change me for the better and I love doing things that are exciting and out of my comfort zone.
I will hopefully have time to do more blogging and I am hoping that on every Sunday evening I will post a blog post but that is only a plan and we shall see how working 50 hours a week starting again at 7am Friday will change the amount I blog but for now it looks promising but time will tell.
See you (hopefully) next Sunday
Rosie
I find myself on one of my few days off and with time to write on my blog for once!! So I thought I would do an update on what is happening in my life, with this blog and what the future holds for me. I thought as this blog receives so many views I wanted to do something constructive with it, to update people on what is happening in my life, to talk about my recovery and be open about it as I don't believe it is anything to be ashamed about but also more as a way to be able to look back on how my life is planning out at what is meant to be "a very important time in my life."
So where should I begin, I am currently busy working three jobs so this day off is really really appreciated today, I am holiday in Spain so I am really taking the time to relax before I start working 50 hours a week again in just a few days time. I have newly started work in a small independent coffee shop, which is interesting since I am not a coffee person yet I sense that the barista life will change me as I find myself sipping on an oat milk cappuccino last Monday. Being a barista is harder than it looks!! And what I didn't know is that all those fancy designs aka latte art are not done by a stencil but by hand and after many hours practising I can still only half do a heart let alone a leaf or a feather, but time will tell. Then I also work in the local pub which I have been doing for one and a half years and become fond of working there and have a laugh with my colleagues on my shifts and then I also do regular babysitting several times a week. So my life is very stressful going from one job to another to running to the next one but there is all reason for this. I am taking a gap year.
I very luckily found myself with IB grades above what was expected for me (especially considering how much school I missed) and found myself getting way above what I needed to get into university. So in September 2018 I am heading to the University of Exeter to study Psychology as my first degree of most likely many. I have chosen to take a gap year for numerous reasons, I knew I would regret it if I didn't take one, I felt now is the chance to take time off and actually focus on what I want to do and my health. I am taking the time out to fully focus on getting myself better from anorexia as I have come so far but there are still some steps to make in my recovery and I feel like one year focusing on getting my health top notch before going to university will be really beneficial for me. In addition, some of you may know that I am travelling for 6 months around Asia for my gap year.
I am mainly volunteering over in Asia and I am leaving on April 1st with currently only a one way ticket (much to my parents worry.) So far my plan for my gap year is heading out to Cambodia for a month helping people who have been through domestic abuse and extreme poverty rebuild their lives by teaching them English which will provide new opportunities for them and teaching them valuable skills that they can use in the future. I think my first month in Cambodia will be a massive shock for me as I living in a small town called Takeo in the middle of a Paddy field with no internet and no phone signal so I will be truly living out of my comfort zone, I have been informed that the nearest internet cafe is a twenty minute drive away so it will be very different. However I am determined to fully embrace myself in the Cambodian culture and try understand what it is like for the locals to fully try be able to understand what other cultures are like and I think I will learn to appreciate just how lucky I am.
After the month spent in Cambodia I will be heading to Da Nang in Vietnam for just a little rest and relax. I am staying in the Mad Monkey hostel so I will hopefully meet some new people and travel round the coast of Da Nang and see what that area has to offer. After a short stop in Vietnam I will be heading to Sri Lanka for the first time helping on a mental health placement over there for 2 weeks. I will be learning about how mental health is treated in Sri Lanka and attending psychology groups as a psychologists assistant. I am really interested in how mental illness is seen over in Sri Lanka whether there are different attitudes towards it compared to how it is viewed in the UK and I hope this two week placement will teach me a lot prior to my degree in psychology.
Subsequently I will be heading to Bali in Indonesia to teach English to local children as part of an after school workshop where I will teach 4 or 5 hour long lessons to the locals who apparently walk up to 7 kilometres each way just for an hour lesson. I am incredibly passionate about receiving an education but I cant imagine walking 14 kilometres just for an hour in burning heat. However these children of all ages are determined to do so and I am really excited to be helping them improve their english which will hopefully mean they will be able to get jobs in the future. I will be staying in Bali for just under a month before I leave to island hop the Thai islands for just over a week. I have been to Koh Samui one of the most known Thai islands before but I am really exited to explore all the small ones just for a night or too.
After the Thai islands I will be heading to the Maldives, not on a honeymoon but actually on a coral reef management project for month. I will be going round many islands but my base will be in Gaafu Dhaalu somewhere I have never even heard of before however that makes me even more excited. Many of my friends and family looked at me really strangely when I told them I was helping on a coral reef projects as I actually have a massive fear of seaweed and aquatic animals let alone there being a warning on the project that there will be reef sharks, eels and manta rays as we are helping in a habitat that they live in. So I am extremely nervous but I am a person who goes all or nothing and i will hopefully have by the end of the month gotten over my fear of basically the sea but i will answer whether I have in just under a year. Also in the Maldives I will be planting trees, doing beach clean ups, teaching english and cooking (I hope they like vegan food)!!!
After the month in the Maldives I have my final (planned stop in Thailand) where I will be touring Thailand top to bottom and the islands which includes a week up North teaching English and then heading to (The VEGAN CENTRE aka) Chang Mai and then staying on floating houses in the middle of a lake where I will have to canoe to and from the place I am staying to anywhere I want to go. I am really exited to do this however I am scared of aquatic animals and seaweed but I am hoping my month prior in the Maldives will mean I will be getting in the canoe with no fear of it capsizing and having to swim with fish amongst seaweed let alone a crocodile!!!! My final planned stop will be going round the Thai islands for a second time island hopping between the two before going to the famous full moon party. That will lead me until the 18th of August the last day I have officially planned, if I am broke and tired I will come home however if I have enough money I might travel spontaneously just round Asia or anyway before starting uni late September.
I am truly excited to go round Asia and I think it will be hard and challenging but I think it will change me for the better and I love doing things that are exciting and out of my comfort zone.
I will hopefully have time to do more blogging and I am hoping that on every Sunday evening I will post a blog post but that is only a plan and we shall see how working 50 hours a week starting again at 7am Friday will change the amount I blog but for now it looks promising but time will tell.
See you (hopefully) next Sunday
Rosie
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